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photo journal

so. i like taking pictures. im going to take weird ones.

enjoy :) <3 

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i need to be able to speak freely without someone looking over my shoulder, whether it be a child of my own, someone elses, or a family member that might not be to happy with what I have to say. This is ruining my life. I want this court shit over. I really REALLY wish i could sue for pain and suffering and wages lost. Ive almost lost my job, my bills are about 3 months behind, and I dont know how to catch up.

My heart is so broken. I currently suffer from serious insomnia. ive only gotten 4-5 hours sleep in about the past 40 hours or so. I cant fall asleep its like my brain is so wired.. that I just cant unwire it. I want someone else to rob a bank for me and give me the money. not a loan. i dont know how to pay people back within a reasonable amount of time, when my bills are so far behind. 

something smells in the house, it just started out of nowhere. smells like a chemical spill.. not natural gas.. somethin stinky. 

berb.

frustration at it's finest

not knowing how to live.
not knowing how to survive.
forgetting how to be comfortable in my own skin.
sigh

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

unbroken... finally. and mending

so. rock bottom. i got an up close look of what it looks like. .. again.

Group therapy was an interesting process. I didnt like the fact that I wasnt talking about my actual problem, but talking with others about theirs, made me realize mine..? if that makes any sense? Eventually.. it made me sadder.. and sadder. The agoraphobia kicked in, and I wouldnt go to therapy, Id spend the day in bed, freaking out, crying for a couple of hours at night. got discharged one day, then re-admitted the next....

so super bowl sunday comes around. im crying during the game.. crying after the game.. then sobbing like a madwoman later on in the evening... silently. my therapist comes over monday night, (which i forgot the appointment) and we are sitting on the couch.. and i start sobbing, again. She seems to think that me being admitted to regulate my medicine and to *give me a break* is going to make me feel better. I somewhat agree .. because the crying hurts my heart.

so the next day, group therapy. .. in the morning we fill out a form of our current level of depression .. and anxiety, etc. they want to know if you have tried to hurt yourself or anything stupid like that. I was honest and said that I had looked up on the internet what a fatal dose of medicine is.. because i DIDNT want to take that much.. I will admit, I was abusing my prescriptions a little, but I was willing to do just about anything at that point to make the sadness go away, just not a fatal doseage .i.e... 8 will kill you, so i only take 4..?

So, as she (the counselor) reads my form, she sees that I was honest about my internet research. She said to me, i want you to consider being admitted, because you need help. Im crying.. again. and I agree. I go voluntarily. I talk to my psychiatrist, i told him i dont want to feel like this anymore (still crying) and he agrees. I agree to admit myself.

I leave group counseling and sit in the lobby. I call the hubs to come and be with me for my admittal. We sit, and laugh and talk, while I cry.. because Im way freaked out about this whole thought.

They bring us lunch. It was disgusting meatloaf and mashed potatoes with friggin parsely IN them .. eew. but I ate it anyway. I learned how food can be more than just energy for your body.. its fer yer mind too.

Couple of hours pass. still sitting there.. Im starting to feel a bit of clarity. I can do this.. mind over matter.. I dont need to be admitted. .... .. then they say, Ok .. lets go!

we go over to the main hospital, where we sit down again.. and im really freaking out now. Im like no no no no no no no no I dont need this. crying some more.. then

BAM!

some dude with hair that looks like the heat miser.... busts through the magnetic closure secured doors that you need a badge to get through.. and says.. I just want to go home.. running for the front doors, that are secure as well. CODE GREEN people start yelling.. all he is saying .. i just want to go home.

heres my first steps up the rock wall of doom and one eye open for crystal clarity.

I then say.. Um, sweetheart? Im good. I know what I need to do to get over this. Please, just take me home. Please? I didnt want to feel like that guy, or be AROUND that guy.. if ya know what I mean.

The nurse comes out, calls my name, and says ok, give your husband your jewelry, and anything worth value, and come with me please.

This is all a little too reminiscant of jail for my liking.

Im walking down the hallway, to the nurses station, and they told me i have to have a *body check*  ... i dont want to be here.

I go into the room to do the body check.. and they say to me. you can either cut the wire out of your bra, or just take it off altogether.

I hate being braless.. only after a long day of being out, then coming home to get in my jammies.. is when i like to take it off .. and say aaaaah.

In the room, i start crying again.. Nice jamaican nurse asks.. why are you crying, love? so.. i tell the story. She even said. you should be able to go home if you want, you seem fine.

I walk out of the room, to see two young girls, ages 18 and 22, both with similar bandages on their inside forearms. just shocking to me. how can you be so young and so .. ready to not have a life anymore. when you havent even really lived yet? ((hence moment of clarity 2))

I decided since I had voluntarily admitted myself, I could voluntarily leave as well. So? I say.. i changed my mind, i dont want to do this.

They say.. let us get your doctor for you, so you can talk to him and get this taken care of. phew! ... i dont want to be here

One of the therapists comes in to my room, with a piece of paper.. talking about .. You've been hospitalized before, and you are impulsive.

Im holding you on a 5150 for 72 hours, because you are a danger to yourself.  First, ive never been hospitalized for any mental health issue, ever. Impulsive? i volunteered to come here, damnit. I didnt run. i dont want to be here.

I start to talk to the other girls.. to try to keep me from screaming & yelling at the top of my lungs. These poor little girls .. razor cuts and scars up and down their arms, talking about mothers that dont give a shit about them, so why bother existing

really. how can a mom do that? drugs? boyfriends that demand attention? just pitiful. really. i dont want to be here

more later.. i gotta focus. <3

and so it begins...

Ive always been a.. put my stuff out there kinda person.. to get feedback no matter who ya are..
There isnt a place like that on facebook, but theres always been livejournal. so, alas, i return.

GROUP THERAPY..
jeeeeze louise. i had a discussion with one of the therapists there today, and both her and I came to the conclusion that once .. things get settled. and *done*.. then.. i should be free of the demons that ail me.
wouldnt that be nice if that were a true statement? Today, *D* i will call him, this guy has some serious rage issues. but. he comes up to me, sits next to me and tells me i have crumbs on my lip (which i dont) .. then as he gets up, he places a very large, very long pearl necklace in my purse, then winks at me. I just keep watching harry potter on my ipod. .. He goes outside to have a cigarette, i guess and I look in my purse. This necklace is heavy, knotted, and cold, which means the pearls are real. So, i go to the front desk and talk to the receptionist to which he just stole her phone. I asked if anything else was stolen, she said no, and i pulled her aside.. I didnt want stolen pearls in my purse, even though, they were beautiful and soo real.

Bear with me while I go through this. Im hoping that journaling/blogging/whatever the f* its called, so when i need to get shit out.. i can.

off to dinner...

Going to dinner at the in laws house in tiburon .. Not enjoying the traffic or the horrible dizziness I get from being a passenger...
off to dinner...

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itch it..... Ugh

Why oh why was the baby itch invented .. Created whatever. I picked up an outfit for a friend who is having a girl and my heart broke. Babies aren't in our future.. I can have more, he can't. Why do I want one so bad .. Maybe I should babysit on weekends. I dunno I just hate the ache.. And knowing I can have one if I leave him :( which isn't an option either..
itch it..... Ugh

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3/7/09

Watching grey's & wowing while my husband sleeps with another woman :)
09

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i dont want to think about it anymore

so, its late.

and i just went to re-tuck in :the baby: hes 9 fagodsakes.

still. hes the baby.

I rubbed his back to sooth him, because he started to mumble in his sleep

he said hurry.. just do it! DO IT! before we get in trouble!

i said what?

he said.. tyler rubbed my back like that, its hard to describe.

I dont think he meant tyler

i think he meant .. Him.

I dont want to think about him anymore.

this is the only place where i can say that im happy that hes in jail, i hope he goes to jail for a very long time, i dont care about anyone elses feelings about him, but my own and my childrens.

im also pissed about something else family related. i feel like i have been surgically removed from someones life and its heartbreaking.

i dont need this shit anymore.

NOT TO MENTION. i just went potty and i used one of those nice wipey thingies that keep you fresh.

fingernail went right through it.. *slice*

hey, thanks for the extra blood! its not even time yet.

i need to contact rainn or something like that for counseling. its time.

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last day at sprint

Oh man am I full of anxiety. Today is my last day at sprint and I don't wanna be here. I need to go home and color my hair.. Every picture I take I have fatty bags under my eyes.. Wtf. I'm looking forward no a nice long weekend of w.o.w. And family :) so.. What's new with you?
last day at sprint

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